How to Save Your Relationship from Anger and Depression

Williamsburg Therapy For Couples

Being with someone who has anger issues or is depressed is not not only emotionally exhausting, but can take a toll on your relationship.

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Whether you are the one at the receiving end who has to put up with such behavior or the one who happens to be pushing your partner’s patience and tolerance to the limits, it is important to strive to have a deeper understanding of anger and depression. You will definitely find this intrinsic knowledge indispensable in improving yourself as an individual and your relationship as a couple.

Help With Anger Problems Williamsburg

When you’re angry, you can’t see or hear clearly. You lose your sensitivity, composure, control and clarity, as if a total stranger has come over you. On an extreme level, you might even temporarily lose your sanity and end up hurting the person most dear to your heart. Such is the power and influence of anger. So how do you curb your anger somehow, for your own sake and for the sake of your loved one?

The answer is quite simple: a little guidance from Williamsburg anger management experts, plus lots of love. Certainly, there will naturally be petty arguments or disagreements. After all, being a couple doesn’t mean giving up your individuality. But such small squabbles are usually easily resolved without having to evolve and take root as anger.

 

Therapist for Depression Williamsburg

Dealing with depression is tough, and maintaining a healthy relationship requires extra care, sensitivity, patience and love. For this particular type of partnership to be fruitful and lasting, both parties should make the conscious effort to better understand depression.

Depression is not a choice; it can sneak into your life, placing a huge and unwelcome burden on you and your relationship. With a little help from a Williamsburg depression therapist and lots of love and support from your partner, you can conquer depression. After all, real and unconditional love conquers all.

 

3 Tips to Help Keep your Relationship Anxiety-Free When Buying a New Home

Anxiety-Free Relationships

In relationships, transition is inevitable. And with transition can come fear of the unknown. Although transition can be overwhelming, it doesn’t always have to stress you out or cause anxiety problems. For most couples, the dream of owning a home is just one more thing on a long list of must-haves for the future, but the process can sometimes be a relationship tester in how you and your mate navigate the uncharted waters of anxiety. The journey to homeownership doesn’t have to be a rocky one, it can be anxiety-free if you keep these three things in mind.

 

 

Keep Anxiety-Free Relationships when Buying a Home

Communication is always key.

When buying a home, there are a lot of moving parts: from gathering documents for the underwriter to being present during a home inspection—everyone needs something from you. Don’t get so bogged down with completing tasks for others that your spouse gets lost in the mix.Communication is and will always be the basis for a successful relationship. Communicate your stresses, worries, excitement and all the other emotions that come about when trying to purchase a home. Talk, talk, talk and talk some more! What’s really the point of having a partner if you can’t open up to him or her?

Make time for non-home buying-related activities.

Most of the home buying experience is just playing the waiting game, so unless you’re going to sit around twiddling your thumbs waiting to hear back, get out of the house with your partner and have fun! Helping to take your mind off of all the paperwork and the things that could go wrong will certainly help retain the positivity in your relationship. Some quality-time activities could include:

  • Going for a walk
  • Seeing a movie
  • Dining out
  • Bike riding
  • Working out

Any activity that would allow you and your partner to spend time together will help relieve stress and bring you both closer.

Discuss and make decisions together.

Remember, you’re a team; and a team is only as good as the teamwork that’s put in. Don’t leave your partner out of major decisions like the style of home, location, etc. Also, make sure to share in all the responsibilities that’ll help get you into your new home. For instance, don’t make one person the primary contact, share in speaking with your mortgage lender and/or realtor. This is one thing that contribute to resentment in a relationship—one person taking on the bulk of responsibility—and cause undue stress. Help alleviate anxiety by tag-teaming tasks.

Anxiety will most likely creep in when you’re making a huge decision like buying a home, but it doesn’t have to intrude on the tranquility of your relationship and make things more difficult than they have to be.

If you’re ever feeling like you’re not doing so well in managing your stress, connect with our Williamsburg anxiety therapists and Greenpoint therapists, and let us help transition smoothly into the next stage of your life as a homeowner.

 

 

Top 3 Tips for Successful Relationship Therapy

Getting Through Relationship Therapy

Sometimes we need a professional to help us through relationship issues. Making the commitment to seek couples therapy is a huge step, but the work doesn’t stop there. Couple’s therapy and counseling takes a significant amount of effort and understanding from everybody involved. For many couples, relationship therapy is the last resort. If you are truly ready to accept help for your partnership, the results can be life changing but you have to make a few adjustments to the way you are used to dealing with each other.

couples therapy greepoint

Top 3 Tips For Williamsburg Therapy

Invest Time

After signing up, one of the most detrimental things to do is to stop going before you’ve seen the full benefits. Be ready to commit to the time and effort relationship therapy takes, and be ready to stick it out when it gets difficult. Both parties in the relationship need to agree that the relationship is a priority and set aside the necessary time to work through issues with professional help. You’ve already agreed to therapy, and that’s uncomfortable enough for some individuals. Often times therapists will ask you and your partner to try new and different ways to approach situations, and it’s important to stick with it.

Discuss Priorities

Having a mutual goal for therapy creates direction and helps the therapist work with both parties. Try to find out what both of you want to take away from seeking therapy. The goals can be simple or complicated. Are you just frustrated in general? Are you reconciling after an affair? As long as there is a common goal that both you and your significant other are working towards, the direction of therapy will be clear and effective. Developing a new approach to the way you interact with your significant other can be hard work, but it can help create a healthy approach to dealing with issues.

Remain Open Minded

Entering relationship therapy is a difficult step and your relationship is feeling stress. It’s easy to place blame in any situation, especially one as heated as an argument with your significant other. Upon entering counseling, you have to agree to look inward, and examine your own behavior. Even if you truly feel your significant other is at fault you have to be ready to ask: “What have I done to make this situation better? How can I react differently?” It’s important to realize that you are entering couples therapy, and both parties need to adapt to grow. Change doesn’t always come from one person, it takes all parties involved to create a healthy relationship.

Therapy New York Williamsburg

There are many factors that come into play when seeking relationship therapy, but clear communication and honesty between partners along with the commitment to Williamsburg therapy itself can create an atmosphere in which both parties can grow individually and as a couple. Set a goal and aim to achieve it, together.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION ON COUPLES THERAPY

 

Tips for Lasting Relationships

 

Being in a relationship is not a walk in the park. In the beginning, it might seem to be. But in due course of time, perhaps a couple of years or even just months down the road, life circumstances simply start to grow dim and dreary. What was once sweet soon becomes sour and, yes, sometimes bitter. You will discover that the happiness in your little paradise is short-lived, and in your heart of hearts, you may start asking yourself why you got into a relationship in the very first place. But breaking it off and walking out is not always the solution, and getting in and out of relationships should never become a habit.

Hopefully, the following tips can help improve an otherwise bleak or toxic relationship and somehow give it another chance.

 

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Accept that no one is perfect.

This very basic understanding can save your relationship. You must be honest and humble enough to admit that you are not perfect. And if you know that you’re not perfect, then it would be so much easier to understand and forgive your partner for his imperfections. Being understanding, tolerant, and forgiving, becomes so much easier when you don’t expect your better half to be perfect.

Be more selfless and not self-centered.

A relationship is comparable to a joint venture, wherein people contribute and share their resources to accomplish a common goal. It cannot work if you pursue only your own self-interest instead of your shared interest as a couple. Yet unlike in business, it is a partnership that should be based on love and not on money. Business is self-seeking while love is not. Real love means putting your loved one’s needs over your own. If you truly love someone, top priority always goes to your significant other and not to yourself.

Be respectful always.

The problem when you’ve started living together under one roof for years is that you become too familiar with your partner, as if you already know that person all too well, inside and out. You’ve seen not only his good side but also his bad one. The bubble has been popped and everything is clear and exposed. The air of mystery about that other person has slowly dissipated and thus your respect has also dwindled along with it. However, we should be very slow and careful to judge, since we can’t really read another person’s mind or heart. Thus, respect should always be there even in the midst of trials. Otherwise, it will be sheer chaos.

A great relationship makes you feel like you’re floating in mid-air and everything else seems sunny and bright. A bad one makes you feel the exact opposite, as if you’re trapped in a deep, dark well and everything else about life is gloomy and dismal. In other words, the status of your relationship has a significant effect on all other aspects of your life. It can either make or break your whole being.

Yet being the social creatures that we are, it’s almost impossible to stay alone. For instance, people still start dating again and remarry even after having experienced the exhausting and agonizing process of divorce. Most would rather risk potentially getting hurt again than playing it safe, single and alone. But you don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to get hurt either. Do check out northbrooklynmft.com and learn how to strengthen and deepen your relationship. With offices for couples Therapy in Greenpoint and Williamsburg, we would be happy to assist you with any relationship hurdles you may be experiencing.

Avoiding Anxiety in Relationships

Being in a great relationship can produce some of the most incredible feelings of being comfortable, content, and safe. It’s typically some form of this “happy place” that most of us picture, when envisioning the “perfect relationship”. The tough part is, relationships simply aren’t perfect.

 

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By nature, we as humans with differences in all aspects of our lives, both major and subtle, may often have different ways of perceiving what is happening around us, or communicating what is on our minds. The more we can understand these differences and potential conflicts, the more adapt we will be at navigating any difficulties in our relationships.

 

By understanding some of the causes of relationship anxiety and how we can best avoid and/or remedy this behavior when it shows its face, we can be prepared and equipped to deal with conflict in whatever form it may take.

 

 

What are some of the causes of relationship anxiety?

Most frequently, it can stem from a miscommunication. If anxiety could be compared to a “caution” sign while driving, it often alerts us to more serious underlying issues, or could be just that: a warning, with no actual or real danger in sight. The tough part is what happens when we let that anxiety overtake us and transition an otherwise nonexistent issue, into a larger conflict.

What are a few ways to deal with anxiety?

Don’t assume or guess what the other person is thinking.
It’s too often the case that we may think we know what the other person is thinking or feeling. In some cases, one may even go so far as to react to that assumed perspective, which can complicate things even further. If you relate it to any other situation in life it might become even clearer. Let’s say you take your first bite of food at a restaurant and it’s not the temperature requested. What if, instead of politely informing the server, you assumed that no one at the restaurant could cooke, and immediately stormed out? As you can see, by taking the step to understand the situation and address it properly, your outcome could be totally different.

Focus on the future – not the past

One of the most effective ways to alleviate anxiety in relationships is to learn from your experience and to figure out exactly how you will address a similar situation, in the future. This not only helps to resolve the current issue, but also paves the way and creates a format that both parties can work with, during any time of future conflict. Relationship counseling or couples therapy can be highly effective in helping you to understand the cause/reaction that comes with anxiety, and can make you more equipped at dealing with it in the future.

Improving Communication Skills in Work and Personal Relationships

 

Improving Communication Skills - Therapy in Green Point, Williamsburg

 

Improving Communication Skills

 

Effective communication is the basis for all successful relationships, and improving communication skills can have a profound impact on one’s overall quality of life. Whether it be with your significant other, or colleagues at work, there are a few vital areas of focus that can dramatically improve your communication skills.

All too often we may have an initiative or intended outcome when communicating with others, which simply isn’t achieved. We may be too focused on relaying our points or perspective, without fully considering the perspective of the other party.

 

 

Be an Engaged Listener

Listening is fundamental when understanding the perspective of the other party, and is the first step to more successfully conveying your own message. One-way conversations or long monologues often produce the opposite of the intended result. This is fundamental with couples in all relationships as well as other interpersonal relationships. By focusing clearly on the other party, what they are saying, and ensuring you have a firm understanding, you will see an increase in the quality of your dialogue.

 

Communicate Clearly

It’s important to convey your message in a way that can be understood by the other party. This is especially important during a conflict. Too often the offended party ends up overstepping the boundary of common courtesy and respectful communication, by escalating their dissatisfaction into yelling or swearing. The most effective way to help the other party to better understand what may be bothering you is to remain calm and identify the specific reasons you may be bothered. When communicating these to the other party, use a respectful tone and express negative points in a way that is objective.

 

Non-Verbal Communication

By paying attention to the “body language” of the other party, individuals can gain a better understanding of how they may be feeling in the moment. Staying aware of your own body language is also an effective tool. By displaying signs of openness, such as having your arms uncrossed, leaning towards the other party, and making direct eye contact, you are reducing any potential barriers caused by off-putting non-verbal signals.

 

Stress Control

In a tense discussion at work or an interpersonal argument with your signifiant other, naturally your stress levels will elevate. Staying mindful of this, and the effect it may have on your verbal and non-verbal communication, is essential. When you feel uncomfortable or stressed, it’s OK to ask for a short break from the conversation, while you collect your thoughts. It’s more effective for both parties if stress levels are under control and not affecting the dialogue.

 

 

 

Transitioning from Single Life to Living Together

 

Making the transition from single life to living together can be quite a challenging experience for some people, especially if they have been living the single life for many years. The partner who is accustomed to leaving clothes on the bed until returning from work or leaving empty glasses on the living room table will have to learn to clean up after themselves once they move in together.

The same applies to the partner who is used to going about his or her own business without consulting with anyone. In this new “living together” status, partners are expected to share their whereabouts with their one another in order to remain connected despite busy individual lives.

The following are some of the changes that both persons would have to consider if they wish to make a smooth transition:

Meals

If as a single person you don’t cook unless you are in the mood, this practice may have to be curtailed in order to accommodate your partner’s desire for a cooked meal on a Sunday. If however if one partner  loves to cook up a storm, maybe carry on with the cooking if you both are comfortable with the arrangement

Housekeeping

Washing clothes and cleaning house are two household chores that as single people you do yourselves. In your new status either one or both may have to take up the responsibilities. The key is that both partners must share the household work equally

Friends with Benefits

As a single person, you may have had many friends in your life with whom you experienced a flirtatiousness.  Even if things never developed between the two of you, the nature of the relationship might make your partner uncomfortable. This will require an open dialogue between the two of you.

Night Owl & Early Bird

One of you may prefer to be up all night either surfing the net or watching TV. Again, this you have been doing ever since you moved in your own place. Your partner on the other hand may have been an early riser and believes it is waste of precious time to be in bed beyond 6 a.m. Again, some amount of compromise must be struck so that the night owl will take an early night occasionally to appease his/her partner and engage in some quality time. The early bird may need to stay in the “roost” a little longer to also engage in some quality time

The Cleaner One & The Untidy One

Over the years as a single person you have kept a neat “pad” with everything in order. Here comes your beloved who is quite the opposite and places the dirty socks in the same drawer as the clean ones. This partner may argue that a pair of socks can be worn for two or more days. Before this becomes an issue, negotiate the differences and strengthen the similarities.

For couples who live together, it is expected and necessary to each accept influence and that both of you will coexist allowing for compromise on both sides.  If you’re experiencing trouble with this transition, we can help.

 

By Wayne Powell, PhD student, MFT

PTSD Awareness Day

Post traumatic stress dissorder awareness day
Image courtesy http://www.southfloridaconnects.com/

 

According to the Mayo clinic, post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is defined as “a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it.” Last month, we celebrated Memorial Day in honor of the men and women who serve our country. While PTSD is widely recognized as being associated with atrocities of wartime, it is experienced by many non-veterans as a response to abuse, serious injury, intense illness, terrorist attack, loss of a loved one, etc.

Prevalence

According to NAMI, about “7.7 million [adult] Americans are affected by PTSD, but women are more likely to develop the condition than men.” However, according to PSTD United, “70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives. This equates to approximately 223.4 million people.” That’s a very high number.

Signs and Symptoms

PTSD can look different for different people and can be in response to different incidents. However, some of the most common include memories, avoidance and change in mood.

Intrusive memories

One of the most common and distressing symptoms is intrusive memories. These can include recurrent, unwanted memories of the event, flashbacks, nightmares, and severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event

Avoidance

Avoiding can come in the forms of emotional or physical. Emotional avoidance can look like trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event.  Physical avoidance means staying away from places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event.

Negative Changes in Thought or Mood

This can include, negative feelings about yourself or other people an inability to experience positive emotions, feeling numb, hopelessness about the future, memory impairment, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event, and difficulty maintaining close relationships.

A Shift in PTSD Treatment

Trauma-informed treatment is quickly becoming the standard of care. “Trauma informed care is an organizational structure and treatment framework that involves understanding, recognizing, and responding to the effects of all types of trauma. Trauma informed care also emphasizes physical, psychological and emotional safety for both consumers and providers, and helps survivors rebuild a sense of empowerment.” Trauma-informed care can be implemented in any setting, and here at North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy, we use it as a way of conceptualizing the work we do with clients. SAMHSA offers a much more in-depth understanding of trauma-informed care but highlights these 6 principles as key to practicing under a trauma-informed theory.

6 Key Principles in Trauma-Informed Care

  1. Safety
  2. Trustworthiness and Transparency
  3. Peer support
  4. Collaboration and mutuality
  5. Empowerment, voice and choice
  6. Cultural, Historical, and Gender Issues

A Common Language – Know Your ACE Score

An ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse, neglect, and other hallmarks of difficult childhoods.  An ACE score gives survivors of trauma a common language and an ability to validate and acknowledge past experiences without having to re-tell their stories each time. Want to know your ACE score? You can get it here.

Getting More Help

If you or someone you know is struggling with PTSD there are many resources linked throughout this post.  Also, reach out to us here to be connected to a therapist who can help you navigate the complexities of PTSD with a trauma-informed approach.

 

By Linda Nelli, LMFT

Reigniting the sexual spark in relationships

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Image courtesy http://www.wired.com/

 

LTR’s can be hard work

Maintaining a long-term relationship (or LTR) is hard work; in the face of challenges, couples must have open lines of communication, the ability to have honest discussions, and the willingness to actively engage with one another. Often times, couples get stuck in a negative cycle because they are either unwilling to confront problems head on, perhaps because of fear for potential consequences of addressing the issues at hand, or they are unaware of how to approach these challenging conversations with their partners. This can be especially difficult when the problem is a lackluster sex-life.

Let’s (try to) Talk about Sex

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I see many couples who are unsatisfied with the state of their sex lives and worry that they can never break this cycle. Some worry that they will offend their partner. Others fear that they are alone in this worry and their sexual frustration is one-sided. But, there is good news. First, you are not alone. If one partner is feeling frustrated it is likely a very present issue in both partners’ minds. Second, by identifying or discussing the problem, the couple can become comfortable discussing sex and begin the journey of working through their challenges.  In a recent article for the Huffington Post, psychology and sex therapy experts outline 8 strategies for reigniting the spark and move toward a fulfilling sex life.

Strategies for Rebuilding Intimacy

The first step is to get to the heart of why you are not having sex. Is it because of a busy schedule? An underlying medical or mental health condition? Longstanding resentment or anger related to other problems in the relationship? Ignoring these issues and expecting that sex will just happen will only further the existing frustrating cycle. Regardless of the reason, getting to the heart of the problem allows couples to reconnect and focus on their sex life. Because of the stressful nature of daily life, it is easy to make excuses for why you are not having sex. Sex has to become a priority for both partners.

Make Sex a Priority Again

According to Huffington Post, desire is more responsive than spontaneous; taking small steps to be sexual everyday is essential because desire needs to build, it does not happen at an accelerated pace. Making sex a priority means scheduling time to be sexual. Let’s face it, daily life is stressful and busy, in order to break the cycle of lackluster sex couples must make the time to have sex. Another important factor highlighted in this article is the relationship between feeling sexual and feeling desired. This can happen throughout the day both in person or via text, letting your partner know that you are thinking about them. Relationships evolve. You may have to work at being in the mood and consciously choosing to be sexual.

Make Sex FUN again

Finally, sex should be fun and can take you out of your comfort zone. Shifting attention from stressing about the orgasm and simply having fun with your partner can change the entire mood of the bedroom. Sex does not always go as planned, it is not always mind blowing, but that is okay. Talking with your partner about what turns you on and divulging your sexual fantasies can be a good way to change things up in the bedroom.

How Marriage Counseling Can Help

However, these changes are easier said than done and can be a source of unhappiness or anxiety for many couples. At North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy, our therapists can help you navigate through this journey so that you can reignite the spark and feel more sexually connected to your partner.

 

By Hillary Geffner, MFT

 

 

 

Marriage…not quite that dire.

 

As a marriage and family therapist it was hard to miss Alain de Botton’s New York Times’ article “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”  In session couples mentioned the article, some with horror and some with relief.  “If I’m with the wrong person what is the point of working on this relationship?”  Or, “I knew something was wrong here (in this relationship), this proves it.”  I assured the couples that while I thought that the articles had some good points I did not have such a negative view of the whole institution of marriage.  This post is inspired by those conversations with those couples.

Give marriage a break.

Marriage has gone through a tremendous amount of change.  The author gives some useful perspective on the recent history.  He highlights that we have moved from marriages based on financial contracts and helpful alliances to marriages based on a really amazing feeling.  How could a shift of that magnitude not come without its challenges?  I agree that the basis for current long term relationships, the desire to keep that amazing feeling going, needs some reassessment, but I don’t think love is doomed.

We do long for the familiar

We choose partners based on the familiar.  De Botton makes the point that we marry the familiar because we believe the familiar makes us happy.  Though he doesn’t reference the Imago theory to which he is referring that believes that we partner with people who remind us of our primary caregivers, both in positive and negative ways.  De Botton sees this as a doomed prospect- marrying someone who reminds us of our dysfunctional family members.  If we stopped there the situation would be pretty depressing, but that is only the beginning of the story.  Life is a journey.  We are always growing and changing.  Marriage should be a journey as well.  The mistake many of us make is believing that the person standing next to us at the altar will remain as we see them now.

It can be work, but what isn’t?

Instead of looking for a partner that shares our love of design or our passion for a certain band, we are better off to look for someone who is committed to growing in spiritual depth, emotional maturity and continues to search for personal meaning.  Many challenges can be conquered when two dynamic people committed to growth are honest with one another about what they need.  Imago theory holds that we search out the familiar people because we have a deep longing to go back to that original relationship conflict and to do it differently.  That familiar person, committed to loving through honesty and growing together, can be a tremendously wonderful and healing gift.

Who said that it all works out without some effort

The dire picture the article paints is the reality of many marriages.  We have been sold a bill of goods that once we select the right person we are set.  Few of us want to be in the exact same relationship for the next forty years. If our partner is static, personally and within the relationship, we become disinterested and all that remains is the bureaucratic work of bills, chores and retirement plans.  Long term relationships have the potential to be so much more.  If you are interested in finding out if that more is possible for you and your partner, contact us!

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