What to Expect During Your First Couples Therapy Session

 

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Every couple is different. Some are experienced in therapy and know what to expect, while their partner has never been in therapy in any capacity. Whether you’ve been in individual therapy before or not, marriage counseling is different because you’re adding another person to the session. In individual therapy sessions, it’s all about your feelings. However, with couples therapy, you now have another person in the room whose feelings you all have to take into account. You’re working toward a common goal rather than an individual goal. Here’s what you can expect during your first couples therapy session.

 

1. Feeling Anxious

It’s totally normal to feel anxious and nervous going into your first session. Therapy is a very vulnerable place and not everyone feels comfortable opening up immediately. Just remember that when you go into therapy with your partner that you two are working together against the problem not working against each other.

 

2. Raw Emotions

Because therapy is a safe place for you to express yourself, remember that some very raw emotions might come out during the first session and subsequent sessions thereafter. Don’t let the emotions scare you off. Come ready to open yourself up to your partner and let them in. Couples therapy can help you and your partner build a new level of intimacy towards each other.

 

3. You Choose Your Goals

The goal of marriage counseling isn’t always to “save the marriage.’ In fact, the goal is completely determined by you. Sometimes the goal is to just figure out how to communicate better, how to create more intimacy in the marriage, or learning to grieve together. Marriage counseling is by no means an indicator that your marriage is on the brink of disaster. You can determine your goals before going into therapy or outline them with the counselor together as a team.

 

4. You Will Have Homework

Yes, that’s right. You will have homework, even after your first session. Marriage counseling is for the ones that are serious and ready to put in the work. If you’re not ready or willing to do the homework, then there’s no point in coming to counseling. Homework will be a team effort and you and your partner are in this group project together!

If you and your partner are curious about how marriage counseling can improve your marriage, give us a call today. We can schedule an appointment and help you and your partner with a number of different, yet very common relationship issues most couples go through. Schedule your appointment online or on the phone today.

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3 Factors that Interfere with the Success of Marriage Counseling

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Marriage counseling can be a truly positive experience for you and your partner. However, even if you seek out the best therapist money can buy, there are still certain factors that can interfere with the success of your marriage counseling. As you probably already know, marriage counseling isn’t a cure-all for everything that is wrong in your relationship, but it is a start. Though, even with counseling it still seems like there’s some couple who even therapy couldn’t help. So what did the couples who had successful marriage counseling do that the unsuccessful ones didn’t?

 

Seeking Permission for Divorce

Many couples go into therapy with the mindset, “I just want to be able to say that we tried everything before we divorce.” There’s no checklist of things you need to do prior to feeling okay to filing for divorce. You should be entering counseling with an open mind about your marriage. If you’re looking for permission to get divorced you definitely won’t leave satisfied. No therapist is going to “sign a doctors note” for you to get divorced.

 

Trying to Prove Your Spouse Wrong

Sometimes, when couples go into counseling, it’s because one person has decided it’s what their relationship needs and they hope to seek some validation for what they’ve been feeling. This, of course, is fair. However, you’re not going to be off the hook entirely. Change in any capacity happens from within. So, if you’re ready to change your behavior and your spouse is ready to change theirs, you two can move forward.

 

Unwillingness to Change

Counseling always requires an open mind. Creating change within yourself and your marriage is hard work and it doesn’t happen overnight. Counseling can assist you in determining if you even want to make that change. If you or your partner aren’t ready to make changes, then counseling won’t magically fix what’s wrong. Whether you and your partner are looking for new ways to communicate or manage your anger, lasting changes come from commitment and willingness to do so.

 

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Counseling won’t work unless you do. If you don’t put in the effort, then you won’t see the results. Our marriage counselors are highly skilled in helping couples work through their issues. If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, control your anger, or work through any other issue you may have, call us today.

 

3 Biggest Mistakes That Happen In Every Marriage

 

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No marriage is perfect no matter how hard you try. Some days are going to be easier than others. Of course, everyone is bound to make mistakes within the marriage. That’s why they call them mistakes! Fortunately, there are ways to prevent compounding your mistakes by first, knowing what the mistakes are. Secondly, catching those mistakes are soon as you start to make them and reversing your actions or behaviors. These are the 5 biggest mistakes almost everyone makes at some point in their marriage.

 

1. Dividing Labor Unevenly

A lot of people go into marriage thinking that the division of labor and roles will just naturally unfold. However, this is far from the actual truth. It’s so important to openly discuss the division of labor and roles within a marriage and home. It’s not a fun talk but it doesn’t have to be a scary one either. Simply, lay it out all on the table and if it comes down to it, set up a chore chart.

 

2. Not Listening

You’d be surprised at how often you aren’t actually listening to your partner. Or maybe you wouldn’t? Either way, listening is an essential part of a happy, healthy marriage. Sometimes, even if you think you’re listening, your partner may feel like they’re not being heard. Making an effort to listen to your partner will have profound effects in and outside of your marriage.

 

3. Lack of Empathy

Empathy is important in all areas of your life but especially within your marriage. If you find yourself saying things like “don’t make a big deal out of this” when your partner is clearly upset, then you’re not practicing empathy. What is a big deal to you and what is a big deal to your partner may be two different things and you need to respect that. Avoid constantly disregarding your partner’s feelings no matter how silly you think the issue is. Their feelings are valid and they deserve to feel validated within the marriage.

A successful marriage takes work and sometimes it takes a little more work than usual. Fortunately, our marriage counseling services provide the help you and your partner need to achieve that longterm, successful marriage. If you’re struggling with communication, dividing labor, listening, or other common marriage problems, we can help. Contact us today to schedule an appointment with one of our counselors. Your marriage is worth working for, so don’t let the stigma of counseling deter you from seeking help.

4 Common Communications Problems In A Marriage

 

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In any relationship, communication is key. But many couples aren’t sure how to communicate properly, surprisingly. Just like everyone, all couples make communication mistakes. Effective communication means that both partners are able to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings while also being able to listen to one another. Often times, after being together for awhile, couples will fall into bad habits when it comes to communication. Do you identify with these 4 common communications problems?

 

1. Continuing to Talk After Things Have Escalated

The old adage, “never go to bed angry” is actually very wrong. When you or your partner get emotional during a conversation it’s almost impossible to listen effectively. Especially when you’re angry, you are likely to raise your voice so that the other person can “hear” you “better.” It’s essential that you and your partner recognize when the conversation is escalating so that you two can pump the breaks and take a conversation timeout.

 

2. Communication Blockers

You’ve probably said, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” at least once during an argument. However, this saying is considered a communication blocker. It’s meant to change the subject or deflect from the argument. Some non-verbal communication blockers are actively ignoring your partner while they speak to you while you do another activity like watch tv, surf the web, or read a book.

 

3. Bringing in Another Person

It’s totally normal to seek out another person when you’re upset like your mom, friend, or confidant. However, this can cause issues within a relationship because that person usually only gets one side of the story. Not only that but saying something like, “well my friend thinks it was a bad thing for you to do” can add unnecessary stress to the relationship and argument. In the context of therapy, telling the therapist should never be used as a threat.

 

4. Playing the Blame Game

Effective communication requires each person in the relationship to want to solve the problem as a couple, not an individual.  Finger pointing might seem like the easiest solution, however,  it’s a really easy way to get stuck in a fight. It’s important that you step up and take responsibility for your behavior and your partner do the same. That way you two can move forward as a couple.

Communicating successfully in a marriage takes work. However, sometimes even the best couples need some outside help. If you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively we can help. Our team of counselors are skilled in helping couples of all types talk out their issues. Call us today to set up an appointment.

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Little Changes That Can Make A BIG Difference In Your Marriage

 

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Many couples feel like their marriage is in trouble long before they seek out counseling if they ever even do at all. Your marriage doesn’t always need a major counseling intervention to improve the marriage. There are lots of small things that you and your partner can commit to doing daily that can have a major positive impact on your marriage. Keeping a marriage happy and healthy takes daily work but it’s okay to have some fun with it. Whether you need to reignite the spark that once brought you together or you just need to add a little bit more TLC to the marriage, your marriage will benefit from these little changes.

 

Schedule a Date Night Each Week

It’s so easy to lose the romance that once made you two fall in love with each other. Unfortunately, life can get in the way and nearly destroy what were once loving marriages. Which is why it’s so important to schedule weekly date nights. You don’t necessarily need to wine and dine at the fanciest restaurants in town. In fact, date night can be a quiet night in. Essentially, date night is simply where you and your partner can reconnect without the presence of daily stress and interruptions.

 

Treat Your Marriage like You Would Your Job

There are days when you don’t feel like going to work but you go anyway because you enjoy getting a paycheck. There are going to be days where you don’t feel like “showing up” in your marriage. But if you didn’t feel like showing up to work, what would happen? Some serious rifts would start to form and you’d eventually be fired. Marriage takes work and if you start treating it in the same way you would your job, you’ll notice how things start to change. Start showing up daily to your marriage mentally, emotionally, and physically.

 

Focus on what You can Contribute

A marriage is all about give and take. Of course, sometimes one person is giving or taking more than their fair share. However, if both of you start to focus on what you can contribute rather than what you can gain a beautiful thing happens. You start to cultivate a relationship of compassion and consideration. Compassion, consideration, and kindness are essential to a loving marriage.

 

Marriage isn’t always happy times. So it’s okay if you and your partner are struggling to be happy together. If you and your partner are considering splitting, please consider how marriage counseling could help you and your partner. Make an appointment today with one of our counselors and learn how you and your partner can reconnect and reignite the love that once brought you two together.

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How To Rebuild Lost Trust In A Marriage

 

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Trust is something that is earned over time and when it’s lost it can seem like the entire relationship is over. Trust can be lost over a number of different things. However, the most common of those are usually infidelity, hiding money, and just lying in general. Depending on your relationship and how you want to move forward together you absolutely can start to rebuild trust.

Building Trust

Trust is built over time and in small moments. In every interaction you have with your partner, you can either foster trust or lost trust. Though this may seem like a lot of pressure, there is hope. One single moment is not that important, however, when you continue to turn away and let those little moments build up inside is when they start to turn a relationship sour. Overtime, you will begin to make negative comparisons and instead of cherishing your partner, you’ll begin to trash them. So what are some ways you and your partner can start to rebuild your trust with one another?

Flip your Internal Script

Negative thoughts can make you absolutely mad. When you’re consumed by negative thoughts, everything your partner does is going to be up for criticism or debate. Though this isn’t always easy, trying to flip your internal script can help you marriage. Learn to separate specific relationship problems from your overall view of your partner. Try to replace negative thoughts with  compassion and empathy.

Create We Time

When you distrust your partner, it’s pretty easy to find reasons and excuses to not be around on another. Between work, kids, friends, family, holidays, birthdays, hair cuts, whatever. You can always find a reason to be busy. Happiness, both in and outside of a relationship, is a result of relishing what you have rather than gaining something new. Making time for each other will allow you to rebuild that lost connection and really get to know each other once again.

Marriage and relationships are not always easy. They’re work and they take time to develop. But as long as you continue to water your grass, your relationship with your partner will continue to flourish. If you and your partner are struggling with loss of trust, trust issues, or other common problems within a marriage, please call us to schedule an appointment. Our team of kind, caring, and open eared professional counselors can help you and partner navigate your new relationship territory.

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Love is in the Air… Ways to Rekindle the Passion in your Marriage

 

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Spring has almost sprung and you know what that means, love will soon be in the air. Whether you’ve been married for 1 year or 10 years, every marriage needs a little rekindling once in a while. Between work, kids, friends, and family it can be hard to find time for each other, let alone find time for passion. Before you give up on your marriage and call it quits, try these passion rekindling activities. You never know what you might spark up!

 

Hold Hands more Often

Remember when you two first started dating? How even the slightest touch felt so explosive! Even though hand holding may seem so elementary, it can actually bring you and your partner closer together. Touching releases oxytocin which can have a calming effect on you and your partner. Physical touch also reduces the release of the chemical cortisol, which is the stress chemical.

 

Focus on Affectionate Touch

Who doesn’t like a nice shoulder or foot rub? Many people associate foreplay, like massages, with sex. However, affectionate touch, like hand-holding, can make you and your partner feel closer to each other. Affectionate touch has a powerful effect on rekindling passion between you and your partner, especially if one of you are not the super touchy-feely type.

 

Practice Being More Emotionally Vulnerable

Discussing your dreams and fantasies with one another, especially during sex, can bring you two closer. By practicing being emotionally vulnerable you can connect with your partner on a deeper level. If you or your partner fear emotional intimacy, it may be time to seek out individual or couples therapy. Emotional intimacy is such a powerfully rewarding form of intimacy that everyone should experience.

 

Make Sex a Priority

The first year of marriage, you probably couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Even if you’d been together for years prior, there’s something romantic about marriage that makes you fall in love all over again. However, over time, it’s common for couples to place sex on the back burner of life. As dull as it may seem, placing sex on the calendar can help keep both of you accountable. You can still make it fun, don’t be afraid to wine and dine each other even after all of these years.

 

If you and your partner are struggling to rekindle the spark that made you two once fall in love with each other, call us today to schedule an appointment. Our highly trained counselors can help you and your partner rediscover your passion and love that once brought you two together.

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Why You Need Pre-Maritial Counseling

 

pre-marital counseling

 

Marriage is one of the most exciting and meaningful journeys of your entire life. It’s full of new beginnings, but for many, it’s laced with high anxiety. Even though over the years the divorce rate has slowly dropped, it still remains high. Which is why pre-marital counseling is a good idea before walking down the aisle. Counseling is a way to strengthen your current bond and can be used as a way to explore potential trouble spots and bumps that could pop up throughout the course of your marriage. While some people may hold a negative connotation about counseling before you’re married, there’s nothing bad about being proactive about your relationship. Here are some benefits of pre-marital counseling.

Peace of Mind

It’s not unusual or uncommon to have anxiety prior to tying the knot. In fact, it’s perfectly normal. It’s a major life decision, so it’s no surprise you’re feeling anxious. But sometimes the anxiety isn’t just general and it’s actually tied to specific issues. Premarital counseling will help to reassure you of your relationship. Also, it can give you the confidence you need to resolve your differences and not sweat the small stuff.

Learn Practical Tools

The biggest issue people have within a marriage is not understanding how the other communicates. Miscommunication is the #1 cause of arguments. However, premarital counseling is solution focused. Which means you and your partner will learn how to express difficult feelings, how to listen, how to meet one another’s needs, and how to have healthier arguments.

Enhancing Intimacy

Counseling of any type is extremely insightful which can have countless benefits in all areas of your life. With premarital counseling, you’ll be able to achieve greater insight in your relationship, which will ultimately increase and enhance your intimacy with your partner.

Deciding Next Steps

The first year of marriage is particularly hard because there are a lot of undiscussed issues that didn’t seem worth talking about. Things like who will do the dishes, who does the cleaning, who does the cooking, where holidays will be spent and other seemingly mundane things can have a major impact on your relationship. All of these questions and others can be answered during counseling.

Pre-marriage counseling is a smart investment for anyone getting ready to walk down the aisle. Choosing to do premarital counseling is not a sign of your relationship’s weakness, but rather a strength. It proves that you and your partner are both committed to making this marriage work. If you and your partner are thinking about tying the knot and have questions about marriage, call us today. One of our marriage counselors would be happy to talk with you and guide you through some of the challenges and strengths marriage has to offer.

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How Often Do Couples Fight?

Wondering if arguing is just part and parcel of relationships? Well, it’s all about finding that sweet spot of balance! Think of conflicts as your relationship’s growth spurts, nudging you both towards healing and evolution. Sure, when tensions rise, it’s a sign that something needs your attention, but it’s also an opportunity to level up your communication game. 

But what if those arguments start feeling like they’re happening more often and getting more intense? How much arguing is too much? Don’t worry; in this post, we will dive into all of these questions and more, so buckle up as we navigate this somewhat heavy topic together!

 

The Pros: 5 Benefits of Healthy Arguments in a Relationship

A healthy amount of arguments in a relationship or marriage can have some of the following benefits:

1. Opportunity for Growth

Conflict presents a chance for both healing and personal development. It arises when there’s something that requires resolution. By mastering the skill of navigating through your disparities, you pave the way for a relationship that’s not only more harmonious but also filled with joy.

2. Increase Curiosity

Conflict serves as a learning opportunity about your partner. By resolving relationship conflicts together, you gain insight into your partner’s values, aspirations, desires, and necessities.

3. Practice Makes Perfect

Arguments can actually strengthen your bond and fortify your relationship. By addressing and resolving conflicts, you become more resilient as a couple. Even during disagreements, you can express love and commitment, reassuring each other with statements like, “I may be frustrated and upset right now, but my love for you remains steadfast, and I’m here for the long haul.”

4. Self-Awareness & Accountability

Healthy arguments in a marriage or a relationship can lead to personal growth by enhancing self-awareness and accountability. When faced with differing opinions, individuals reflect on their beliefs and emotions, gaining a deeper understanding of themselves. Effective communication and active listening foster accountability as each person takes responsibility for their words and actions, fostering mutual respect and trust.

5. Post Conflict Intimacy & Repair

Coming back together after a disagreement brings a sense of relief and joy. Offering a heartfelt apology not only strengthens your relationship bond but can also ignite the spark for some unforgettable makeup intimacy moments.

The Cons: 5 Red Flags that Couples’ Arguments are Crossing the Line

1. You’re Stuck in an Endless Loop

Alrighty, picture this: You and your partner, like characters in a sitcom, keep hitting rewind on the same argument reel; stuck in a loop. Instead of just brushing it off as a quirky theme in your relationship, maybe it’s time to grab the popcorn and consider if your communication skills need a little sprucing up. Could it be that these recurring spats are like hidden treasure maps leading you to some deeper, buried issues? Time to grab your explorer hats and dive in!

2. Arguments End with One of You Stonewalling

Let’s talk about stonewalling, the “exit stage left” move in arguments. Stonewalling happens when one person shuts down the argument before you’ve reached any sort of conclusion. It’s like hitting the mute button on your partner’s spiel before you’ve even gotten to the good part. Usually, it happens when someone is either so fed up they’re seeing steam come out of their ears or they’re just drowning in feelings. If one of you finds yourselves itching to bolt mid-debate, well, you might just be toeing the line of argument landmines. 

3. You’re Insulting Each Other

Maybe it’s not the argument itself that’s causing the ruckus, but rather, it’s the way you are sparring with words. If your back-and-forths start sounding like a scene from a rowdy sitcom, or you’re tossing insults around like confetti at a party, it might be time to switch gears. When frustration levels are through the roof, it’s time to hit the brakes and dig a little deeper to uncover what’s really bugging you both.

4. The Physical Space Between is Growing

Has the consistency or intensity of your arguments reached a point where you are feeling disconnected? Is the dinner dialogue reaching a place that prevents you from feeling connected as you crawl into bed, the same bed that once was a place for vulnerable and connected physical intimacy? 

You are now living together with a space between, that keeps you so far apart emotionally that you cannot reach out physically. When the conflicts you engage in with your partner start to negatively influence your ability to emotionally connect with physical intimacy, it becomes imperative to address these issues head-on.

5. You Feel the Need to be Right

Imagine your relationship as a playful game of tug-of-war. Now, when we’re fixated on being the undisputed champion of “I’m right!”, it’s like pulling on that rope with all our might, leaving our partner stuck in the mud. And let’s face it, nobody likes being stuck in the mud! This tug-of-war quickly turns into a not-so-fun power struggle, where one person’s victory becomes the other’s defeat, and the relationship ends up suffering the most.

Recognize Your Conflict Style & Find Ways Improve 

In order to help keep relationship arguments from going too far, it’s important to identify what kind of “fighter” you are. According to the University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Center, there are at least six categories most people fall under when they’re fighting.

  1. You avoid conflict at all costs
  2. You feel that any criticism or disagreement is an attack on you
  3. You hit “below the belt” and regret it later
  4. You feel out of control when conflict arises
  5. You withdraw and become silent when you’re angry
  6. You store up complaints from the distant past

At one time or another, we’ve all done or found ourselves doing one or more of these. Mainly, that’s because conflict can cause discomfort and we’ll use anything in our arsenal to avoid it or find a way to just get through it without actually having come to a resolution. Our couples therapists in Brooklyn, NY can help you identify your conflict style and find better ways to manage your relationship or marriage arguments.

How Can Couples Manage an Argument

Here are some recommended ways for couples to manage their arguments and find a solution:

1.Remain calm

Nothing is ever accomplished successfully by stressing out or getting more upset. Taking the approach of staying calm during a conflict will help keep it from escalating or going too far.

2.Express feelings in words, not actions

In this sense, actions do speak louder than words. If your body language is in conflict with what you’re saying to your partner, an argument is sure to intensify. Remember to relax your body. Don’t tense up, roll your eyes, ball your fists or show any signs that contradicts your words.

3. Don’t revisit old conflicts

It’s never a good idea to bring up old arguments, especially if those conflicts were seemingly resolved. No one wins any extra points (or points at all) by bringing up old conflicts. This can also make solving the conflict at hand even more difficult, because you may forget what you were even arguing about in the first place.

4.Avoid accusations

Never begin an argument by accusing a partner of wrongdoing. This only serves to put the other person on defense. Defending actions or words doesn’t help get to the root of the issue.

5.Avoid staying silent

This might seem like the smart option when a partner is upset about something, but it can be very counterproductive. Staying silent can be misconstrued as insensitivity, which can make the other person feel as though their partner doesn’t care about how they feel. 

If you feel the need to stay silent, at least let the other person know why you’ve decided to keep quiet for now (e.g., trying to collect your thoughts, trying to keep from saying something you’ll regret, etc.).

FAQs

Is It Normal to Argue in a Relationship?

It’s completely normal (and healthy) to argue in a relationship. The truth is, you’re never going to not argue. The ultimate goal is having a disagreement, understanding where the other person is coming from, and moving on.

How Often Do Couples Fight?

Since we are all individuals and there are far too many variables to take into account to come up with a number that fits all relationships, the best way to better understand how often couples fight is the 5:1 Ratio from the Gottman Institute. This is a highly researched, evidence based ratio of how many fights, or negative interactions, healthy relationships have. For every 1 argument, or fight, there needs to be 5 positive, connecting interactions. Pull out your notepads so that you can start tracking the interactions within your relationship to see if you are landing within that healthy ratio of fights.

Find Solutions with Couples Therapy for Arguing in Brooklyn, NY

Don’t worry. Even if your arguing is causing more serious problems in your relationship, you’re not doomed! Couples therapy for arguing and forgiveness can help identify and manage deeper problems, and help couples learn new conflict resolution skills so they can argue better. If you think arguments may be causing more serious problems in your relationship, CONTACT US today for a free 15-minute virtual consultation with one of our many, talented couples therapists in Brooklyn, NYC today.’’

 

Couples Therapy For New Parents

family therapy
Whether you’re a seasoned vet or a brand new parent, there’s no guidebook on how to be a “good parent.” Every parent is just doing the best they can with the information they have. Sure, there are parenting books you and  your partner can read, but nothing truly prepares you for parenting quite like the real deal. Thankfully, there are a few things all parents should know that can provide a bit of relief.

1. Kids Will Act Like Kids

Probably one of the easiest things to forget about kids is that they’re going to act like kids. You can’t expect a child to act as civil or proper as an adult. Fortunately, these opportunities where a child acts out is a great time to gently teach them life lessons. Immature behavior is completely normal for immature brains, which are what children have since the brain doesn’t fully develop well into our 20s. Be a supportive guide in their life.

2. Set Limits with Respect

What does it mean to set limits with respect? Well, many times limits are set for us through the use of cristicm. However, when you have a young child who is first learning about the world, you want them to be as open minded as possible. Just because they are a child doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the same level of respect you do when it comes to being critiqued.

3. Give your Child Lots of Play Time

Children need play time.This is how they learn to socialize, problem solve, and develop critical thinking skills. Plus, playing is just plain fun. Unstructured play time allows children to explore their world and interact with it. When they are unable to explore and interact with their surroundings, it could potentially stunt them developmentally and socially.

4. Know When to Talk and When to Listen

Children are surprisingly full of great ideas and sage wisdom if only we’d listen. It’s important for children to learn how to talk out their problems. Which is why you, as a parent, need to know when to talk and when to listen. It’s easy to jump in and solve all their problems for them, especially when you love them. However, you’re doing more harm than good when you don’t practice active listening.

Remember that you and your partner are a team when it comes to raising your children. But, sometimes there are going to be bumps along the way. Parents don’t always see eye to eye and sometimes even have completely different parenting styles. If you and your partner are struggling with parenting, call us today to find out how couple and family therapy can help you both be the best parents you can be.

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