Finding love: It’s not (all) you. Is it me, too?

lonely woman
Photo courtesy femaleintel.com

 

Have you ever wondered “Why is it that my relationships never seem to last? Is it about me or is it about the partners I have had? You might have caught a previous post we posted about the topic of finding love.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What is it I want out of relationship? Are my expectations too high?
  2. Am I too accommodating or too patient?
  3. Am I too selective or impatient?
  4. Do I usually lower my standards and abandon my value system?
  5. Do I use the relationship as a psychological “crutch” to compensate for the absence of love and affection in my childhood?
  6. Am I usually involved in rebound relationships?
  7. Am I ready for a committed relationship?

 

What is it I want out of relationship? Are my expectations too high?

Sometimes we enter a relationship with expectations that our partner can’t fulfill or maybe these expectations were never even communicated in the first place. When these expectations are not met with that person we terminate that relationship and move on to the next person with the hope of fulfilling those expectations with someone else.

Am I too accommodating or too patient?

Sometimes we get involved with someone who has glaring problems but we are in denial about these issues until they overwhelm us. This partner may ask for forgiveness for the “eleventeenth” time. We pardon them today and next week they commit the same indiscretions.

Am I too selective?

Some people in their bid to find the “right” partner move from one relationship to the next in quick successions. They tend to walk around with a profile of “Mr. / Ms Right” in their purse/wallet and when they don’t find the match, they terminate the relationship after a few months.

Do I usually lower my standards and abandon my value system?

In order to please the partner or secure the relationship some people disregard their own beliefs and engage in activities that are primarily geared to satisfy his/her partner. They soon realize that this lifestyle is not fulfilling and terminate the relationship.

Do I use the relationship as a psychological “crutch” to compensate for the absence of love and affection in my childhood?

 People who enter relationships with the intention of filling a psychological void in their life tend to be very clingy which sometimes drive the other person away and as such the relationship is short-lived.

Am I usually involved in rebound relationships?

 Starting a new relationship immediately after you left one is usually problematic. It makes a lot of sense to put closure on the former relationship. Spend some time doing a post mortem (evaluation) of the past relationship so that you may avoid the same missteps.

Am I ready for a committed relationship?

 If you are not ready to settle down and your partner is, chances are he or she will “walk” when they realize that you are not serious.

A relationship is a serious investment that will only survive in an atmosphere of love, commitment and honesty. We work with people all the time who are experiencing difficulty finding or maintaining romantic relationships and we would love to hear from you, too.

By Wayne Powell, MFT Intern, PhD candidate

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