Love: Why Can’t I Find it!

DovesWhere is Love?

Sitting at the table next to you is this couple. They seem genuinely interested in what one another has to say.  They laugh a lot and almost seem to be making fun of one another at times.  They seem pleased to be able to tell one another what happened during their respective days.  From where you are sitting their interactions seem easy.  How do I find love like that?

Why does it seem so difficult to find someone who we are attracted to who is attracted to us and like to be around?  Is it really so difficult?  There are some things that may be going on, some of which are too complex to make it onto this list, but here are some ideas to get you thinking about what may be going on.

Do you want a partner?

Society sends all of us the message that we are more valuable when paired up with someone else and it is just not true.  Check in with yourself.  Do you really want someone in your life in that full-time capacity or do you feel like it is the socially appropriate thing to do? As soon as you are a semi-functional adult all sorts of people feel free to ask about your relationship status.  Maybe those questions are subconsciously pressuring you to believe that you need a partner.

You are meeting people who want something different than what you want.

Romantic relationships can take on so many different structures.  I have seen married couples, who have great lives together, but choose to live in different houses.  Some people love to spend lots of time together.  Some couples really long for a looser, less responsible relationship.  Before you conclude that there is something that is wrong with you that is keeping you from love, make sure you are coming in contact with people who want the same thing you want.  One good strategy is having friends that have relationships that look like something you want.

Look for slow love.

Attraction can seem like a mystery when it’s elusive, but we do know some things about the laws of attraction.  There are the things we find attractive instantly, and then there are the things that we find attractive over time.  More superficial things may grab our attention, but they often don’t play out even over a couple of months.  When looking for a partner who will keep your interest over time, it’s better to get to know the person a little bit before deciding if that zing is there or not.  The June 2015 New York Times Article, “For Couples, Time Can Upend the Laws of Attraction” spoke of the joys of slow love.  Swiping left or right may seem like an efficient way of finding love, but real attraction needs a little bit of time to assert itself.

Get some help with your search.

If you long for someone in your life and what you have been doing has yet to work, it may be time to talk with one of our therapists.  We are love experts and can help you identify possible roadblocks within yourself and possible outside obstacles to finding the love you deserve.  At North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy, we have couples therapists that accept a range of different fees to best meet your financial needs.  Call 718-785-9718 to learn more.

 

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